dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
