i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
