So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
