so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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