I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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