My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
