I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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