chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize