He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
