Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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