I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
