she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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