one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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