im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
