Your face is a jimmy john
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
