I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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