I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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