My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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