He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
