So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
