I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
