I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
