Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I did not marry a roomba.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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