I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
