Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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