I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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