i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
