Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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