Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
