I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
