pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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