TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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