sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize