I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
