I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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