New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
