You just made me feel so damn special
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize