people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
