i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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