i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
