If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
