Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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