i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
