I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
