Your dad touched me again.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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