i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
