Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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