insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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