Moan for me like Helen Keller
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
