She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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