I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
