I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
