Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
