Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
