There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
