mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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