If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize