I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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