i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
