Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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