i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize