life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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